I've been on and off buses for the past three months: going home to my folks, meeting Cliff. They're very comfy buses, though. Big, touring buses with reclining seats, large and wide windows, and airconditioning. I like traveling in buses, as long as I get a window seat. I have to be able to look out the window; otherwise, I feel sick. It only takes two and a half hours to get home or to where Cliff usually stays so it's really no hassle. It could get tiring, though. So when I got on the bus to meet Carl somewhere four hours north of where I was, it was not an easy ride. Good thing I got a front row seat and could see where the bus was going. Unfortunately, the curtain that acted as a sunshade was in the way so I could only see half of the road ahead. Still, it was entertaining enough.
There are very few surfing spots in this country, and this place was one of them. The apartment building where Carl stayed was situated up a steep hill that didn't have a walkway leading up to it, just this concrete road going straight up the hillside. I got there at a little past 8 in the evening, feeling very sore, hungry, and just miserable after being in a very restricted personal space on a moving bus -- only to find that Carl was out. The boys guarding the gates said he'd probably gone out for dinner. I tried his fone (he'd bought a local one by which he'd been calling me) but I couldn't connect. So I sat on the front step of the building, facing the gate, waiting, getting angrier by the minute. It wasn't only till I'd been there for almost half an hour that I noticed something wrong with my fone: the power light was on but it wasn't blinking like it should. No wonder I couldn't connect. So I restarted the damn thing and finally got Carl on it. He was down at the bus stop waiting for my bus.
Some ten minutes later, there he was panting up the road. Yes, ten minutes and 18 months later, there he was. Eighteen months to the day -- almost. I hadn't been counting, but he was. Sweet? Right.
Three days after, I was packing my bags, leaving two days earlier than my scheduled ETD. Eighteen months had changed the both of us. When he first contacted me through that personals website, he said he was looking for a partner, specifically, a Filipina. He said he had friends married to Filipinas and he liked the way his friends marriages went. That's what he said. I replied, saying that I wasn't particularly looking for a relationship at that time, although I wasn't exactly closed to having one.
Some months later, he comes to spend five days with me and we have a wonderful time, although even then, I was aware of a wariness in him, an evasion regarding his intentions. Of course, during our fone conversations after that, and even in his emails, there was just a hint of this premise (that he wanted a partner and was considering me for that) working, at least on the major fronts of his life. He even sent flowers on my birthday and that was in November last year, just six months after his visit. There were the emails, the fotos of him and his kids, the fone calls, the flowers and the birthday card. Somewhere along the way, though, the premise changed: he no longer wanted a partner.
I suppose that when relocated and started building his own home (that is, his very own, without a wife or family), rebuilding old friendships, making new friends, finally getting into his photography as a professional and on a full time basis, he realized that he could live without a partner. This was his time; after giving support for his kids, this time, he was living for himself and no other. And he loved it.
I don't think there was ever any intention of lying to me or taking advantage of me. He relied on my statement that I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship. He wasn't honest with himself enough, so he couldn't be honest to me. I vacillate between this objective reading of the situation, which I think is very accurate, and a very subjective, painful realization that I brought the whole thing on myself. We both gave very vague statements of our intentions precisely to avoid getting hurt and, well, a lot of good that got me.
When I left him that morning, 2 December, I couldn't even say what I wanted to say to him. I wanted to thank him for being there when I needed someone, for sharing a part of his life with me, for giving me a dream for eighteen months which I pretended could come true for me. I wanted to wish him luck in his photography. I wanted to wish him all the happiness he could find. But it was such a wrench to get anything out. He was out on the balcony overlooking this gorgeous view of the beach and the road leading down to the highway. The view of the highway itself was blocked by the trees on the roadside.
I went up to him and caressed his back. When he turned to me, there was such a pained look on his face that all I could say was, "I'm leaving." He nodded; I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and left.
I didn't look back. Even as I walked down that impossible road, I didn't look back.
Carl was a compromise. I didn't love him. I was prepared to live a life with him, take care of him, learn to love him along the way. He had traits in his character that I didn't particularly care for, especially when it came to money. But, then, everyone has an ugly side. In any case, I'm relieved that all this madness has come to an end. So onto another bus I got.
When I got home, I cried in the shower, asking myself why Carl couldn't love me. And when I was putting on my house clothes, it hit me that I was shedding off this person with such dreams and putting on my "real" self, whatever that means. The emotion was coming from a very deep place inside me; I didn't recognize it. I cried again, like someone had died. Yes, someone had, indeed, died.
It was time to re-invent myself -- again.
I'm still grieving, and will be for a time. For Carl; for my Dale, too, come to think of it (he's now in some other Asian country, with a new job). They will all reside in that deep, bottomless pit at the back of my mind where old, special memories dwell. They surface now and again, these memories, but not very often. They'll be safe there, especially my Dale.
Finally, Cliff, who says:
Emyn,
I read this note with a lot of feelings that I haven't quite sorted out. And, I have to run off to work with my client yet feel like I want to reach out and hug you quick.
I am sorry that you weren't pleasantly surprised by your visit with Carl and that it didn't turn out to be so much closer to want you want. Yet, I guess I see from what your saying that in your heart you didn't really think that was likely either. I think I must have heard you say, when we were together last, that you knew you didn't love him. But, somehow I thought there was a hidden "yet" in there and that there was a possibility for you there.
And, at the same time....I also see you loving your new work and realized that Carl could represent a terrific conflict if it was going to work out for you with him. I believe that when a person is in her element, her best self shows up and, being more alive, she will find that others of like mind/heart will be attracted to her. So, I guess I am thinking this is a becoming your circumstances as well. If in any way, I can be of help to you as you find your new way of coping, I will. I know that it is your journey, but maybe just talking and reflecting together will help it come more clear.
Finally, I am so sorry that I have restated the point too often about you and me. I know that over processing things can be irritating. I should have realized that continuing to think out loud about how we relate is not very useful - in fact unkind - given the aloneness that you are wrestling with. I want to just be with you! Offering you my friendship and our playful sharing rather than talking about what will not be. I want to offer you the glass half full rather than comment on the half empty. We do give each other some very important things: not just sex, by the way. You give me a perspective, as a woman, that is a glimpse of another way to be in an intimate relationship than I can see from anyone else that I know. It goes beyond sex, it is something I can't quite describe, but is all about just how you show up as a person in total. It is a rich relationship we have and I prize it very much.
Thanks for you patience with me,
Hug and hug again,
Cliff
Once again, Cliff has provided a perspective well grounded in reality. He is such a dear friend. There can be nothing more than what he's described here. As I stated in my reply to this email, some things are better experienced than trapped in words.
My heart is broken into little pieces. It can't hold much of anything right now, not anger, not vengeance, not even love. All I feel is this pain and terrible longing -- not for anyone I've met but for someone I'm afraid I'll never meet in this lifetime. Oh well. Maybe in the next.
And with that, I can definitely say with absoluite certainty that TIS feels no over-powering need to play her games anymore. She's in deep hibernation. She might come out again in the future, but not in any time soon.
It's been an impossible road, but no more buses for me, except for home.
Thank you all for your company in this journey. It is now ended, and none too soon.
Merry meet, my friends, and blessed be!
simplyjessie
Just curious, you just sounded Wiccan. Are you?
The Bitch Goddess
I was just about to ask the very same thing. But does it matter? Her being Wiccan, I mean. She is beautiful and I rejoice at her having found her "self" again. It will be a very long process towards recovery, but the point is, she WILL get there. *wink*
simplyjessie
Being Wiccan would explain her sensual nature. hehe I love being Wiccan myself.
basangpanaginip
good luck on the journey ahead.
sexysteve
Awwww.... I'm gonna miss reading this site... Just a suggestion maybe you should change the title of the site for a while to..
THE RETIRED SLUT hehehe
mindovervaginawoman
I wish I encountered your blog sooner. I do hope this gets resurrected soon. Inner Slut 2006?
Anonymous
I have enjoyed reading your blogs but quite disappointed that it had to end so soon. I just hope you'll still reconsider writing again and look forward to reading it soon.
All the best....
